True Blood – Season 4

Let’s face it: we love vampires. We love vampires since Bram Stoker, Christopher Lee and Leslie Nielsen. We do not love Edward Cullen, but this is another matter since he’s clearly not a real vampire… He can walk outside at daylight and he sparkles, for god’s sake. But we got it, nowadays vampires needs to be cooler than an old and ugly Gary Oldman licking a razor blade or crawling the ceiling like Spider Man (Though I happen to enjoy it, every once in a while).

We thought we found a good compromise in True Blood. Handsome vampires that DO turn into ashes and bloody guts when walking outside at daytime. Seems fair enough. Plus, in the True Blood world, they do not have to hide anymore since they live among humans as a community/minority. So, their seemingly normal lives lead to seemingly normal behaviours, like having sex. Now, let’s be honest: we all watch True Blood because of the two things Twilight lacks: blood and sex. True Blood‘s vampire are hot sex machines, which mostly makes the series a sort of enjoyable and guilt-free soft-porn show. Now… What the hell happened?! I guess that if you’re reading this post, you have seen season 4. Well, let me check if I got this right:

– Jason is in love with Jessica… wtf?! Dear Alan Ball, Ryan is hot and dumb. If he quits fucking random women, we’ll have to listen to what he has to say. No good.

– We spent 80% of the season with a romantic, Bambi-like eyed Eric. Dear Alan Ball, we watch True Blood because of wicked, sexy, heartless, smart-ass Eric. Do you really think anyone cares about Bill and Sookie? Anna Paquin does not fit in Sookie’s shoes as much as she did not fit in X-Men’s Rogue shoes.  Bill wears eyeliner and he’s the closest thing we got to Edward Cullen. This season almost looked like a sitcom. At some point, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see Eric open Sookie’s door, yelling “Honey, I’m home!”.

– Suddenly, all the secondary characters got leading roles. Why? What happened? Eho cares about them? What’s with the fairy that raped Sheriff Andy? What’s with the panthers raping Jason? Seriously… What’s with that?!

– We got it, Alan, you tried to catch up with the season finale. The last five minutes, in fact, were absolutely mind-blowing. Also, you left us hoping that we finally got rid of Tara-pain-in-the-ass. Thank you. Thank you also for episode 4×11, when Eric rips the guy’s heart and drinks it using its aorta as a straw. But what about all the rest? Where was all the rest?

Dear Alan Ball, thanks for having a second thought on the Sookie-living-with-the-fairies thing. But also… Do you remember seasons 1 and 2? We do too. Did you love them? We did too. Unlike seasons 3 and 4. So please, do what you must and be a badass gain.